If you follow me much, you know that I often offer tips to spark conversation. I do this because intentional conversation with our kids helps them practice their social skills (i.e., turn-taking, speaking, listening, etc.) in an entertaining way that also draws the family closer.
Conversation matters. We build, break and repair relationships through our actions and the things we say to each other.
But there are moments when it’s more important to stop talking and questioning in order to allow for a meaningful exchange. Maybe that sounds counter-intuitive. Let me give you an example:
I’m an information-gatherer by nature. This isn’t a trait my kids are overly fond of, particularly right after they get home from school.
After all, how would you react if you walked through the door after a busy day only to be greeted by a bulldog interrogator who bombards you with questions like: “How are you? What’d you do today? Did you remember to turn in your library books? Did you remember your homework? What is your homework tonight? Did you get enough to eat for lunch? …Hey, where are you going?”
You could say I’m not voted most popular after school.
My intentions are innocent. I’m curious about the ups and downs of their day. “Throw me a bone,” I think in frustration. “Don’t just grunt, shrug your shoulders or pass me off with an ‘I don’t know’ or a ‘nothing’ answer.”
I’ve come to realize that my inquisitive behavior, in fact, pushes my kids away. It’s exhausting to be peppered with a stream of questions. No wonder my son ducks into the bathroom with a book the minute he gets home!
The truth is sometimes people don’t feel like talking because they’re tired, hungry, or just need a break from the intensity of the day. We don’t have to constantly fill the car with chit-chat nor do we have to come up with ways to create conversation around the dinner table if it doesn’t feel right. Silence is okay and shouldn’t cause discomfort. Often it’s nice to just sit with the people we care about and say nothing. Often nothing needs to be said.
And sometimes out of that companionable silence something magical happens. A quiet, simple connection. Kids start to talk about whatever is on their minds, nudging the door open for gentle questions from you.
In a couple of weeks my kids will start back to school. They’ll continue to grow, learn and change. As for me, I’m aiming to turn around my annoying communication pattern by putting aside demanding questions when my kids get home and instead say, “Welcome home! I’m so glad to see you.”
That’s it.
Will this be a challenge? It will be brutal. But, I’m focusing on the rewards.
I know that I’ll get to ask my questions eventually. I predict that by allowing space for a deep, collective breath–and a snack–we’ll enjoy a more positive, less pressured evening. And just maybe, they’ll throw this mama bulldog a bone.
How about you? What is one of your habits that you would like to change about how you talk to your kids?
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“Questions” image courtesy of Danillo Rizzuti at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
Oh I have struggled with the same and my son called em out on by saying, “you ask too many questions.” Add in my curiosity about what his blood sugars have been & I was per on non grata. I have worked to focus on the hug and how are you. The rest comes later, often at bedtime or during the dog walk when they talk much more easily.
Yes, Sue, I can totally see that when a child has a medical issue, this can be an even bigger challenge to stop from asking too many questions. You are so right about taking walks together. There’s something less intense about walking side by side that allows for calm, relaxed companionship and conversation.