Do you often say demeaning things to yourself that you wouldn’t dream of saying to anyone else? The self-critical statements we make to ourselves have a way of worming little holes in our spirits that bleed self-worth. Over time, negative self-talk not only harms our self-esteem, it hurts our relationships with others, our confidence in forming new relationships and our ability to reach our dreams.
Whether you’ve always struggled with self-confidence or you’re enduring a a self-confidence crisis brought on by an emotionally traumatic event, Shan White, a certified life coach who works with divorced women, shares advice for recovery.
You work with women experiencing major life transitions, particularly women who have gone through divorce. How is self-confidence impacted during a traumatic life event like divorce?
Shan: Self-confidence becomes eroded, especially during divorce because the one person who was supposed to love you unconditionally has withdrawn that love. It is therefore human nature to assume you are not worthy of love and therefore void of worth and value. When you feel unworthy, self-confidence goes out the window. But consider a new perspective. Renowned family therapist Cloe Maddanes says, to remember the love that you had inside of you when you first met your spouse. That loves that grew in you still resides – it still resides in you and cannot be taken from your spouse. And here’s the best news, the love that still resides in you can be re-directed towards yourself.
What strategies can you suggest to women to help them build self-confidence, whether they are recovering from an emotional blow or simply struggling to reach their goals due to a low self-image?
Shan: Learn to become your own best friend. Make a choice not to say anything TO yourself ABOUT yourself that you wouldn’t say to your best friend. Do you love, nurture and encourage your friends? Then, why wouldn’t you do the same for yourself? Would you condemn, discourage and abandon your close friend? Then, don’t do it to yourself. Be kind, gentle and soothing to yourself as you would do for others.
Self confidence can dip for any of us on a bad day. What are tactics you use in your own life to boost your confidence when you feel it slipping?
Shan: I rehearse all of the intangible qualities I have that give me a sense of worth. Not external things like a nice car or home or wealth. Instead, I focus on those internal qualities like generosity, and kindness, compassion, loving, forgiving and being merciful to those who are not to me.
Any other comments, thoughts or resources?
Shan: Yes, Nathaniel Branden has some great books and exercises to build self-esteem.
Thank you, Shan!
Do you have a question or comment for Shan? Please post in the comments section below or you can contact her directly.
About Shan White, Women’s Peak Performance Coaching:
Shan is a certified life coach from the Tony Robbins School, Robbins-Madanes Coaching Training. She specializes in helping women thrive after divorce, as opposed to merely surviving. Divorce affects every area of our lives – financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and the family dynamics. Our lives feel shattered and we need someone to help put the pieces back together again.
Shan is an expert in providing guidance, support and direction. She does this by designing customized tools, techniques, and strategies in order to help ease the difficult challenge of change and uncertainty. Her mission in working with women recovering from divorce comes from having struggled with it herself. As a result, she became committed to first bringing wholeness and happiness to herself. Subsequently, she became certified in order to help other women avoid the unnecessary pitfalls that inevitably come from going through a divorce without working with a trained professional.
Daisy illustration courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/SalvatoreVuono
