This post is dedicated to my parents married 40 years this weekend! Congratulations!
Photo courtesy Boykung.
I’ve been hearing a lot of chatter lately about what we should be doing to make our marriages stronger. You know, cute tips like writing lipstick messages on your bathroom mirror. While there’s nothing wrong with that, when I read advice that says you should relegate big decisions to your husband and you make the smaller decisions, I have to call B.S.! Much of the advice also seems mainly aimed at how women should do more to better please their husbands. Marriage is about giving, it’s true. But, it shouldn’t just be one person doing all of the giving. Here are my thoughts on ways to create a strong, meaningful marriage as a team without compromising your spirit in the process.
1.) Share the power. Never, ever relegate the so-called “big decisions” to your husband. Nothing would irritate me more, for example, if my husband bought a car without my input. Major money decisions should be decided together. Before my husband and I were married, we talked about what amount of money constituted a discussion before purchase. Back then, anything over a few hundred dollars required a mutual agreement. Frankly, that hasn’t changed much and we try to stay on the same page when it comes to our financial decisions. Which brings me to my next point.
2.) Understand your finances and where your money is going. Decide on a budget together. I don’t understand this idea of giving a wife an “allowance.” In the context of marriage, that term makes me squirm. It feels a little too paternal for my taste.
3.) Just as with money decisions, life decisions should be made as a team like deciding how many kids to have, how your children will be educated (public, private or home), how you will discipline your kids, whether relocation is right for your family, and so on.
4.) Discuss problems and frustrations together. Many stay-at-home moms struggle with feelings of validation. Just because you are a stay-at-home mom doesn’t mean your feelings should be given short-shrift. Staying home all day with screaming kids is no more fun than spending a day with whiny co-workers or a control-freak boss. Talking through frustrations can be healing.
5.) Give each other space to enjoy your own interests. My husband loves golf and I love to read. People used to say to me “oh, you better learn how to golf or you’ll become a golf widow.” Then, does that mean he needs to read the same books as me so we can discuss? Nah, that’s why I have a book club and he has his golf buddies.
6.) Take an interest in each other’s interests. I may not enjoy golf, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear about it when my husband tells me which courses he’d love to play around the world and why. In turn, my husband knows I’m deeply invested in my writing and supports me as I find ways to grow and enrich my writing career.
7.) Respectfully agree to disagree, but look for common ground. Just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you have to give up your personal beliefs. My husband and I can hardly look at each other without baring our teeth at one another during the heat of the political season. (Okay, maybe I exaggerate a little.) Nonetheless, we respect each other for caring enough to feel passionate about the issues. The bottom line: we both want the same – a better world in which to raise our family. We just don’t always see eye-to-eye on how that should happen.
8.) Laugh together — often. Without humor, life is incredibly dull.
9.) Be your authentic self. When we hide our emotions and pretend everything is good when it really isn’t, you’re not only cheating yourself, you’re cheating him. I think it’s deeply unfair to your spouse to pretend you’re happy when you aren’t. If you feel resentful or frustrated about something in your marriage or your life, discuss it together. Otherwise, beware: either you’ll explode in an unexpected rage or implode in depression.
10.) Talk frequently. My husband and I check in with each other throughout the day through text messages, emails and phone calls. No matter where he is, we always feel connected to each other.
11.) Share your hopes and dreams. Nothing creates partnership like discussing the things that are close to your heart.
12.) Find time to hang out together. Some people put date nights on their calendars once a month. We try, but some months it just doesn’t happen. That doesn’t mean we don’t spend time together. Sometimes the perfect evening for us is making dinner together and watching a movie or a favorite TV show after our kids have gone to bed. We’re not the most exciting people, but it works for us!
13.) Listen to each other. (There’s that listening thing again.) Truly, for any relationship to go the distance you need to take time to listen and understand where the other person is coming from.
14.) Loyalty matters. My parents are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary this weekend. Both my parents are fiercely protective and loyal to each other. I admire this trait very much and feel that it’s one of the many reasons their marriage is so strong.
15.) Most of all, approach marriage as a partnership built on trust. You’re a team. Make it your mission to create the life you want together.
