Teaching children how to engage in conversation is just as valuable a skill as basic manners. Without learning boundaries in conversation and the rules of engagement, a child can grow into an adult who frequently interrupts and dominates conversation with little concept of non-verbal cues or regard for others, or on the opposite end of the spectrum an adult who is uncomfortable and uncertain with how to engage others and tends to avoid much communication.
One of the most important ways to pass along positive communication skills begins with role modeling. Think about when you engage in conversation with someone and your child is present. Your child is watching, listening and learning about communication. Ever heard your child carrying on conversations with his stuffed animals only to hear a phrase that you’ve uttered with that certain lilt in your voice being repeated to Teddy Bear? I had no idea how I sounded on the phone until my son was talking on his toy phone one day and kept saying, “Uh huh…uh huh…yeah…oh! Hahaha!” Nothing like having an audio recorder walking around in the form of your child. (But, it does help me catch some of my own quirky speech patterns and phrases!)
Lesson Number 1: Harnessing the Interrupter
Etiquette in conversation is far-reaching, but teaching our children not to interrupt is especially difficult. Here are a few ideas to help teach your child not to interrupt when you are on the phone, concentrating on something or talking to someone in person.
Practice a round-robin style of conversation at the dinner table in which each person gets an opportunity to weigh in on a discussion. For example, share a funny anecdote or talk about the best part of the day. When your child interrupts someone else at the table, stop her and briefly explain that she is interrupting and her turn to talk is coming up.
Describe the “rules” of conversation before you jump on the phone or get into a conversation. Explain that interruptions are only okay if there’s a situation that she can’t handle on her own like if someone is hurt, something is on fire or someone is at the door. If it’s not an emergency, tell her to wait for a pause in the conversation and say “excuse me.”
My sons will often say “Excuse me, Mommy” over and over without waiting for a pause while tugging on my shirt. I thought this was a good way of handling the situation while also teaching how to handle an interruption politely: Pause, look at your child and tell him “Thank you for saying ‘excuse me.’ I’ll be with you in a minute.” Avoid answering the question until you’ve finished listening or speaking, or you’ll reinforce the interrupting behavior.
Also, create a non-verbal cue with your child before your next conversation with someone. Elizabeth Pantley in her book The No-Cry Discipline Solution suggests that if your child wants your attention while you are you in the middle of a conversation, tell her to gently squeeze your arm and when you squeeze her hand back, it’s your signal that you know she’s there and will turn your attention to her in a moment.
I also warn my kids that I’m getting on the phone and that they are not to interrupt me. I ask them what they will be doing while I’m on the phone so that if I need to give them an activity I will. I remind them that I will be available as soon as I hang up the phone. Does it always work? No, but I’ll keep working at it!
What is your biggest challenge when it comes to teaching conversation skills to your child?
